JOHNNY_REB

Make You Laugh Corner II

Recommended Posts

Hey All,

I have started a new Make you laugh Post, only because the popularity of the other was so that it grown to become several pages deep. So instead of having to sort through the several pages to find a funny, I am starting a new one here.

So please continue to Post and reply til your hearts are content, but the same rules apply with this as it did with the other:

***No Abusive or Extreme amonts of Foul Language allowed!

***No Personal Attacks, but friendly razzing is welcomed and fully suppported!

***No PORN or Nudity allowed!

***All post should be family friendly!

In Other words,

Use the previous Make you Laugh Corner as a templet of how and what to present your jokes, pictures and general discussion of FUNNIES here and all will be well!!!!!

.......................................................................................

GarbageMan On His Wedding Day!

trailer_park_wedding.jpg

....................................................................................

GOD Does Have a Sense of Humor.....

weirdo_put.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading

when the wife

looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get

married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to

do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "****."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked

>out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire.What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles West of

Brokeback Mountain, and, after two steps in, he

realizes it's a gay bar.

"What the hell," he says to himself, "I really want a

drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy,

"What's the name of your 'willy'?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All

I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you

until you tell me the name of your 'willy'. Mine for

instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his

SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells

him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is

sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The

thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly

replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on

his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita

and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims,

"FORD, because "'Quality is Job One." Then he adds,

"Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY,

'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment

before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The

name of my "willy" is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but

with a puzzled look

asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A

MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working

together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so

that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries..

The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall".

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hey All,

I have started a new Make you laugh Post, only because the popularity of the other was so that it grown to become several pages deep. So instead of having to sort through the several pages to find a funny, I am starting a new one here.

So please continue to Post and reply til your hearts are content, but the same rules apply with this as it did with the other:

***No Abusive or Extreme amonts of Foul Language allowed!

***No Personal Attacks, but friendly razzing is welcomed and fully suppported!

***No PORN or Nudity allowed!

***All post should be family friendly!

In Other words,

Use the previous Make you Laugh Corner as a templet of how and what to present your jokes, pictures and general discussion of FUNNIES here and all will be well!!!!!

.......................................................................................

GarbageMan On His Wedding Day!

trailer_park_wedding.jpg

....................................................................................

GOD Does Have a Sense of Humor.....

weirdo_put.jpg

I used that first couple's picture in a project for school entitled "How to Survive Redneck Country"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Team owner Tom Benson had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

One night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghani soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. He then threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and finally hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

He brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football .......sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts, "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."

-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."

-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."

-U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."

-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

-Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."

-U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."

-Gen.Mac Arthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."

-Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me."

-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."

-U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."

-Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."

-U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."

-David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."

-Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."

-Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."

-Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."

-Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."

-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Excerpts from Skippy's List, a site dedicated to the 213 things that Skippy Can't Do in the Army. It's hilarious, check out the whole thing. For reference, he was Psy-warfare, the Army's propaghanda guys...they make training manuals & videos, recruitment booklets, stuff like that. These are all things he either actually did, talked about doing (usually in front of his chain of command), or someone he knows did.

2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia".

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”

27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”)

38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.

41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.

55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.

89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.

90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".

116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.

117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

154. Shouldn't treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.

156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.

157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

166. No, the pants are not optional.

170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.

171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.

182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."

210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

Key:

SAS: Special Air Service, British Special Forces--Without a doubt a close second to SEALs for bad-assedness, and possibly worse tempered.

Kiwi: Kiwi shoe polish

OPFOR: Opposing Force

FM: Field Manual

LTC: Light Colonel

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Here is a short video of my niece when we arrived on vacation. It cracks me up everytime I watch it. The girl on the left is my daughter. Hope you enjoy. Oh, and you will notice me jamming to some stone temple pilots in the background... LOL

http://media.putfile.com/My-niece-and-daughter-on-vacation

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I want a set of ears like that!!!!!!!!!!!:ThumbsUp: :ShakeHeadFast: :rofl:

Do you have a set...........and was you driving with them on.................:eek2: :rofl: Good video!!

Carlos

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this Should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON.........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.

AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON........you get three meals a day.

AT WORK............you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK.............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK.............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK.............you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON..........you get your own toilet.

AT WORK.............you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK.............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON..........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK.............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and They deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

AT WORK ............you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON ........you must deal with sadistic wardens.

AT WORK............they are called managers.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

{Caution: Bad Language in Video}... By AndThenSum

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dq_wz8xVku4

Yay my first laugh corner entery!!!!!!(sp) Please enjoy and comment!!! even if it sucks!!!! I want to know people!!!! though I will be :eek2: if you didnt like it serioulsy though watch it watch it........... I know banana will watch it Zeth watiched it YOU DIDNT WATCH IT OMG WATCH IT! '

Thank you for your time! ^_^

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field.

"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "if I could swim I would come out there and kick your butt."

A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cl! uod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The

phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lt! eter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlya s tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if

you can raed tihs psas it on !!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is sharp drop off,and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the samespeed as you and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

If you do not know, see answer below.

...

....

......

.............

Get your drunk a$$ off the merry-go-round!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...