JOHNNY_REB

Make You Laugh Corner II

Recommended Posts

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"An ARKANSAS Vasectomy"

--After their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough

was enough and they could not afford any more chrildren.

--So the husband went to his local veterinarian and told him that he didn't

want to have any more children.

--The Vet told him that there was a procedure called a "Vasectomy",

that could fix the problem, but that it was very expensive. The Vet then

offered "A less costly alternative,"

--The Vet told the Man "to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a

beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and then count to 10"

--The Man replied"I may not be the smartest tool in the shed but I don't

see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

--The Vet then Replied"TRUST ME"

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs

and resumed counting on his other hand.........

Redneck-2.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

YOU MIGHT BE FROM LOUISIANA IF...

- The crawdad mounds in your front yard have over taken the grass.

- You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"

- Every so often, you have waterfront property.

- When giving directions you use words like "uptown," "downtown," "backatown," "riverside," "lakeside," "other side of the bayou" or "other side of the levee."

- When you refer to a geographical location "way up North," you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold."

- You've ever had Community Coffee.

- You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it. (also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya)

- You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.

- You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used. (Amen!)

- The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy "dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad.

- You know the definition of "dressed."

- You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop.

- The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab, and King Cake.

- You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off.

- You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something."

- You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

- You don't realize until high school what a "county" is.

- You believe that purple, green and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors).

- You go to buy a new winter coat (what most people would refer to as a windbreaker) and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi Gras beads.

- Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.

- You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.

- You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs.

- You describe a color as "K&B Purple."

- You like your rice and politics dirty.

- You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins."

- A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if it was palmettos or those little ones that go after the French Fries that fell under the seat.

- You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.

- You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard.

- You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

After vacation we noticed our water bill was very high. Nothing was leaking, and it appeared no one had been in the house. Our dog was still outside, and our cat was still inside, so we were stumped as to how so much water had been used. We suspected someone was turning on a tap and

running it during the night.

Last night we heard water running. I grabbed my camcorder The water "thief" was caught on tape!

[/url]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again, "she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy Looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon

I think this Mom will never forget . . . This particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to Get a car.

His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."

The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."

A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse. "As soon as that Tractor is paid for."

Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'old Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"

The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes --$50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different." The officer smiled and added, "Their sign pertains to

religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same officer was in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter...$50."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We have all heard about people having guts or

> balls but do you really know the difference?

>

> The definition for each follows:

>

>

>

>

> Guts: Guts is arriving home late after a night out

> with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom in

> her hand and having the guts to ask: "Are you still

> cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

>

>

>

> Balls: Balls is coming home late after a night out with

> the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on

> your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and

> having the balls to say: "You're next."

>

>

>

>

> This should clear up any confusion on the subject. In

> realty there is no difference. Either one will

> ultimately result in death

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Joe is bad with the ladies. After a stretch of two months without one successful night, Joe goes to his roommate, Tom, for help. His friend is very popular, with at least one girl leaving his room in the morning, sometimes two! Joe tells his Tom his problem and he tells Joe to watch him at work at thier favorite bar. That night Joe watches as his roommate buys drinks for a group of girls. A half hour later, Tom is talking to one alone. Then, Tom shows the girl a piece of cloth. Unfortunatley, by this point Joe is very drunk and can't help but be distracted. The next time he looks, Joe is gone.

The next morning, Joe sees the girl leave thier apartment. Confused, he asks Tom,"All I saw you do was show her some handtowel!" Obviously feeling immensly proud of himself, Tom says,"Yes I did that and said the magic pickup line. Do you want to know what it is?" Seeing Joe nod frantically Tom tells him," All you have to do is get in a conversation with one of them alone, hold up the rag and say Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...