JOHNNY_REB

Make You Laugh Corner II

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DON'T FART IN BED

If this story doesn't make you cry from laughing so hard, let me

know and we'll send someone right over to check your pulse.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning she was up early preparing the turkey.

As he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her! ey es! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Darling, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

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1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to

the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the

bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both

lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the

noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three ; ;or four times. This provides a "power-

wash" and rinse.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that

there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both

lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the

bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper:

"He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

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NEW WORDS FOR 2007 :

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!

1. BLAMESTORMING

Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2.SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3.ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4.SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6.PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8.SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9.STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10.SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11.XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12.IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17.OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18.WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

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I Found,

This posted somewhere on the Internet and thought you might get as big a Laugh as what I did...........

"Cruise 'is Christ' of Scientology

By EMILY SMITH

US Editor

January 23, 2007

TOM Cruise is the new “Christ” of Scientology, according to leaders of the cult-like religion.

The Mission: Impossible star has been told he has been “chosen” to spread the word of his faith throughout the world.

And leader David Miscavige believes that in future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.

A source close to the actor, who has risen to one of the church’s top levels, said: “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure.

“Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”

Cruise joined the Church of Scientology in the ’80s. Leader L Ron Hubbard claimed humans bear traces of an ancient alien civilisation."

This was,

Just too Much to keep to myself.............

J_REB_

.

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We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some "ASS-ICONS?"

This is a GUARANTEED laugh.

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned! Send

this to 5 people within the next hour and you will be blessed with people laughing at your e-mail

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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the

Breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a

Sign attached that said, "This bull mated 52 times last year." The wife

Playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ... He mated 52

times last year? ....once-a-week."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

"This bull mated 125 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy

jab and said, "That's more than Twice a week! You could learn a lot

from him." They walked to the third Pen and it had a sign attached that

said, in capital letters, "This Bull mated 365 times last year." The

wife, so excited that her elbow nearly Broke her husband's ribs, said,

that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY Learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said,

"Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

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I found this online when looking for jobs for Matt..... dont ask... I thought it was SO funny that I had to put it on.

Marketing 101

The buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

-- That's Direct Marketing.

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."

-- That's Advertising.

3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

-- That's Telemarketing.

4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

-- That's Public Relations.

5 . You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

-- That's Brand Recognition.

6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

-- That's a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

-- That's Tech Support.

8. You're on your way to a party when you realise that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing., so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

-- That's Junk Mail.

9. You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass.

-- That's the Governor of California.

10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended.

-- That's America.”

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First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were

receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the

body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In

Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important

qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be

disgusted by anything involving the animal body.

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,

stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow,

withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes.

But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the

anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them

and told them "The second most important quality is

observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked

on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.":rofl:

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I'm sure you've heard this one before but I think its funny.

A Marine is deployed in Iraq and gets a "Dear John" letter from his g/f breaking up with him and asking him to return the picture she sent him of her. So the Marine goes around and gathers all the pictures he can find of the the other Marines' g/fs and sends them all to her with a letter attached saying "I can't remember which one you are so please remove your picture and send the rest back".

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Getting Old

We OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this

jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried

with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth

in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open

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A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband

said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and

sad at

the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your penis is bigger

than your brother's."

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A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and

Go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya Ole, I am

Going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close

The clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic

And take care of our patients".

"Yes, sir..." answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day

And asks: "So Ole, how was your day?"

Ole tells him he took care of 3 patients. The

First one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.

"Bravo Ya Ole, and the second one?" says the

Doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him

MAALOX, sir" says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what;

About the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door

Opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses

Herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies

Down on the table spread her legs and shouts: HELP

ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"

And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor.

"I put eye drops in her eyes."

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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says"I can't stop passing gas. Luckily,my farts don't smell and are allways silent. As a matter of fact,Ive farted twice since I've been in your office,but you didn't even notice"

"I can help you" says the doc. "take these pills and come back next week"

The next week,the lady returns. "doctor"she says, "I don''t know what you gave me, but now my farts reek."

The doctor says. "good, we fixed your sinuses! now let's work on your hearing."

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An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a rural tavern. she gestures to the bartender,but he ignores her. She disappears for serveral minutes,returns to the bar,and blows him a kiss. This time he rushes over.

"are you the manager?" she asks,softly stroking his face.

"Actually no," the bartender smiles.

"can you get him for me?" she asks,running her hands through his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't. He's not here. the bartender sighs. "is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues,popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" he manages to ask.

"Tell him" she wispers,"that there's no toilet paper in the ladies room.":ShakeHeadFast:

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