JOHNNY_REB

Make You Laugh Corner II

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Sometimes things are just too funny to miss

>>Cancel your credit card..........(hilarious!)

>>

>>Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

>> This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening,

>>

>> customer service being what it is today.

>>

>> A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and

>> March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added

>> late

>> fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00,

>> now

>> somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

>>

>>

>>

>> Here is the exchange:

>>

>> Family Member:

>>

>> "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

>>

>> Citibank:

>>

>> "The account was never closed and the late fees and

>> charges still apply."

>>

>> Family Member:

>>

>> "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

>>

>> Citibank:

>>

>> "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

>>

>> Family Member:

>>

>> So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

>>

>> Citibank: &nbs p;

>>

>> "Either report her account to frauds division

>> or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

>>

>>

>> Family Member:

>>

>> "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)

>>

>> Citibank: "Excuse me?"

>>

>> Family Member:

>>

>> "Did you just get what I was telling you -

>>

>> the part about her being dead?"

>>

>> Citibank:

>>

>> "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

>>

>> Supervisor gets on the phone:

>>

>> Family Member:

>>

>> "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

>>

>> Citibank:

>>

>> "The account was never closed and late fees and

>> charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

>>

>>

>> Family Member:

>>

>> "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

>>

>>

>> Citibank:

>>

>> (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

>>

>> Family Member:

>>

>> "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

>>

>> Citibank:

>>

>> "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

>>

>> Family Member:

>>

>> "Sure." (Fax number is given)

>>

>> After they get the fax:

>>

>> Citibank:

>>

>> "Our system just isn't setup for death.

>>

>> I don't know what more I can do to help."

>>

>> Family Member:

>>

>> "Well, if you figure it out, great!

>>

>> If not, you could just keep billing her.

>>

>> I don't think she will care."

>>

>> Citibank:

>>

>> "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

>>

>> (What is wrong with these people?!?)

>>

>> Family Member:

>>

>> "Would you like her new billing address?"

>>

>> Citibank:

>>

>> "That might help."

>>

>> Family Member:

>>

>> "Odessa Memorial Cemetery,

>>

>> Highway 129,

>>

>> Plot Number 69."

>>

>> Citibank:

>>

>> "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

>>

>> Family Member:

>>

>> "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

>>

>>

>>

>> (Pricless

>

:rofl: :rofl:

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Because I'm a man , when I lock my keys in the car,

I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after

hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an

option. I will win.

___________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very

well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as

if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows

up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be

able to fix these things, but now with all these

computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to

start." We will then drink a couple of beers and

break wind, as a form of holy communion.

____________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need

someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I

lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get

as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

__________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase

basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I

cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin"

or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

__________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops

working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite

evidence that this will just cost me twice as much

once the repair person gets here and has to put it

back together.

___________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote

control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing

has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking

for it, though one time I was able to survive by

holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers

only)

_________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what

I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either

sex, cars, sex, sports (or guns), or sex. I have to make up

something else when you ask, so just don't ask.

___________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I

liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at

the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you are feeling

amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at

least remember the name and recommend it to others.

__________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is

fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes

ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.

With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not

make your butt look too big. It was the pasta and

potatoes and margarita that did that. Your hair is

fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

___________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year

2007, I will share equally in the housework. You

just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the

vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

Like wandering around in the garden with a beer,

wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to

better understand men.

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A guy is visiting with Dooman in Las Vegas. When he is on his way back to his hotel he picks up a hooker. He takes her back to the hotel and she says see all those 7/11's down the street. He says ya. I own all those because I do the best blowjobs in the city. he says WOW! how much. She says 500$ he says thats a bit high but ohhwell. Then she says See all those Dennys all on the strip he says ya. I own those because of my handjobs. He says Really? she says 300$ he says ok. Then the guys asks how much to get some "pussy" she says U see all those hotels and nice restraunts. HE says wait u own those???? SHe says I would would if I had a Pussy. sorry for spelling lol I gtg had to type fast as hell)

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Doesn't tofu make you gay? And is cumin just another spice than tastes like all the rest and just has a different name?

I do believe that in manly men circles, eating, much less speaking or typing the word tofu, does indeed make you gay.

As for the cumin, I think it's spicy hot enough, you can't mistake it for another spice.

So glad I could be of service to you gentlemen, *bow, curtsey, bow*

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Alright...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

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One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped.” The boy replied, “I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.”

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Im No Rascist, I hate all You Mofo's equally..................................Anyways, I had a friend of mine that I use to Bird hunt with several years ago, send me this video......................I know some may find it off color, but I dont mean for it too sound as bad as it may appear.......................Anyways, here it is..........CLICK ME TO HUNT AFGHANS .......................nOW SEE WAS IT REALLY THAT BAD????????????????????????

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====================================================

==A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

==The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

=="Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

=="OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

==The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

==She Replied "Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know 5h|T"

=====================================================

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The Pastor's Donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered

in another race and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered

the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor

to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news,

Posted the following headline:

NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey

so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back

the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS

IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY???

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you

much grief and misery and even shorten your life.

So, be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer

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10 BEST GOLF CADDY RESPONSES

# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this

course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" >

Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a

coincidence."

# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too

much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass. "

# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

And the #1 Best Caddy Comment.....

# 1 -- Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

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Following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term:* _Political Correctness_*

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

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